When you prove your education was worthless and you are as illiterate AF!

Ok so I have an exam and I’m already halfway through one more blog post that I was supposed to post a week ago but I haven’t completed. There’s this issue that has happened that is eating my brain cells slowly one at a time so I thought what better way to get it out of the system than to write it down. So here goes something.

There’s this guy in my class and although I see him as a potential good friend because we come from the same undergraduate background and have gone through some crazy shitty subjects and curriculum together and are equally homesick, but there’s something he said that is driving me nuts and I’m going to pour it out.

Background: I’m pursuing higher education/Masters and am terribly homesick to the extent that saying any word and I kid you not, any word, will trigger the subconscious portion of my brain which will with its unique talents and creative imagination abilities link it somehow to my home, to my country and enable me to cry at the drop of a hat!

So this guy and I are having a deep conversation about how we’ve gone from humans to a bag of popcorn that has been kept in the microwave way past the warning time so it can “BURST” anytime and then he says, you can complete your education and head back immediately to which I reply I’ve a loan to pay off. So he says, you can get married and then your husband can take care of the loan. You’re a girl, what tension do you have? It’s not like you’ve to look after your family. And I’m saying this again, I see a potential friend in him but never in my life have I been so enraged by/at someone that the thought of using a pen to slit their throats has appealed to me more than the appeal generated by an Oscar to Leo De Caprio!  So I said, uhm yeah I do! I’m the only child, I do have to pay off the loan and also look after them. To which the sexist F%@#^* replies, your husband will do that. You girls have no tension, get married and cook. Everything is done for you. We earn, we take care of our parents and yours, we take care of you and the kids! I took a minute to calm the part of my mind that has been trained by Game of Thrones and said, do two things ASAP. ONE, BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND TWO, NEVER EVER REPRODUCE!

I’m ashamed that the boy is from my city, a city that’s the most “modern” part of my country. I’m ashamed that he belongs to my generation and that he has the privilege of pursuing masters in the land of freedom, the land where sexism and racism are issues that are taken very seriously, a land where people are broad minded and welcome people who function on similar lines! I mean WTF bro! Seriously!

I’m going to be very harsh and judge your parents for the obvious failure in upbringing! Because what have you done to deserve any sympathy from my side! If our generation has people that think like this, girls we’re doomed! We’re screwed! Say goodbye to the dreams of living in a free country because even if you think…ooh the orthodox Khauuup buddhes are going to die soon so hellloo freedom, then guess what, spoiler alert, there are mini khaupsies in our gen too, which upsets me to no end!

When people do this, discriminate on lines of religion, sex, caste, subcaste or whatever is subordinate to any of these categories….when people in general discriminate and they are those lucky few who’ve had the privilege of being literate/ educated, I lose faith in education! Education fails on you asssholes! You are a disgrace and you’ve failed yourself, your parents, your teachers and your entire generation! I know I’m going to repent saying this, but such people shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. We don’t want prototypes of these in an already screwed up society!

I’m sorry Ma and Pa , I was going to give up and prove these people right! Never now, never again!

I’ll be back with another post which will definitely be a lot lighter on the brain. Sorry but I’m not apologetic about this post!

-Appiqué <3

Poem #3 - The Indian Woman's song

OK this was a poem that I wrote in the heat of the moment...a lot was happening in my country and in the media w.r.to rape, molestation, crimes on women in general and there were people that would just say shit in front of the cameras and recorders to get their moment of fame and youngsters would either go completely berserk over what was said and revolt on Twitter, Facebook or any other social media or those that we fondly refer to as moti buddhi wala insan or basically retarded would get some inspiration from the crap these public figures would say and start their own anti woman campaigns.

As a teen (I was when i wrote this) who didn't read newspapers but had to because social media was brimming with it, I was red with rage on how the victims were either being blamed or completely ignored in this havoc.

I wrote it with an innocent mind and very limited vocabulary as would be evident when and if you go through it, but my father just edited it . It still is very kiddish but I'm going to post it so suck it! :P

P.S: Daddy ....Thank you and love you lots!

The Indian woman's song: Sept 2013

Today I sing an untold song

Of heinous crimes committed since a time long.

And I know you are too bored to bother

But I scribble as humans push humanity off the border.

I stand at the station waiting for the train

Hoping and praying that it doesn't rain

I try to plan the rest of the day

So I can ease out of it in a comfortable way

As I wait I see a group of boys,

Looking at us girls like we are the shiny new toys

Hissing and laughing and passing comments lewd

Though fully clothed in their eyes we are nude.

Some of them bumping into us for fun

For Molesting girls they're always on the run.

And I want to protest and shout so that people hear

I keep shut as their mentality I fear.

In a country where rape is ok

The men are free to do anything, I say

Kill a few people, crush their dreams

Like life is dirt or so it seems

If a girl says no, she means yes.

Because she doesn’t have any right to say otherwise

And if you can't get her to yield, you just can rape her, kill her, And do it in ways ugly and blatant.

It's a man's world after all

Where women are objects of desire

It's a world where she is denied respect and rights...

And now she is tired of getting into fights.

Blame them all, blame as much as you want,

Western culture, clothes, movie influence and rap songs

Even the three year old was at fault

The one that faced the brutal assault

She was using her father's mobile

She was giving signals!?

That innocent juvenile...

Go see a few pictures on the effect of the nuclear bombs

On Japan's parts, till you feel you've wronged.

Trust man to convert something useful into a device to kill

Humans - depriving nature of its balance intricate and atmosphere tranquil.

So Ladies please carry your pepper spray,

Again it's up to us to be careful they say

Their crooked ways they aren't going to mend

Until a few of them, to hell, we send.

I say take charge and kill a few

Just to start ending our curfew

Your body, your life, you call the shots

Wear what you please, jeans or shorts

Our constitution grants all the freedom we desire,

Let's all ignite our inner fire

Let us all stand united against this unpardonable sin,

It's our battle and it's time for us to win.

 - Appiqué <3

A piece of me - #1- a peak into my anxious mind

Q.50. Psychological health has an effect on the physical health of a person.

1. Strongly agree
2. Maybe
3. Strongly disagree

A

Choosing the answer didn’t take me more than a millisecond. This was probably one of the questions that I really felt so strongly about out of all the 181 questions on a psychometric test I had to answer for a scholarship interview.

Anxiety is a topic that is close to my heart. For most, it is not even an issue. It’s something they dismiss as irrational fear and this dismissal not only pisses off the anxious, but also weakens them psychologically because the people they feel they can rely on, choose to completely ignore them. Panic attacks are a real thing. Anxiety is a psychological disorder. I suffer from hyper anxiety disorder. And it isn’t something I can just control or not think off to make it go away.

When people are nervous, they shiver or sweat. When we have anxiety attacks, we hyperventilate; suffer from palpitations, shortness of breath, puke incessantly and have explosive diarrhea when we’ve been on nothing but healthy home cooked meals for days or worse on nothing. No amount of pills stops any of this and the effect of it does not just stop when the event is over, it goes on for quite some more time. Our reactions during that event which has caused such an attack will play in our minds till the time we can stop remembering it or there is some event which manages to override its effect, else it plays on like a cassette and whether you want it to stop or not, you’ve no choice but to give in to the play-rewind-repeat. It’s terrible.

I guess they started after the year where I was bullied by people who I considered best friends; I went into depression, caught dengue and on the journey to recovery, I cried everyday because I thought this was the end, that even if I made it I would have no friends. And as dramatic as all this sounds, for a teenager they are somewhat important “life changing” moments. I did recover and I made new friends during every new step, but I’ve grown so cautious that there is hardly any trust that remains in me.

This is a very boring topic for my blog, a blog I’ve decided to reactivate with some new posts after a long time, but yesterday I realized a few things that made me really want to write about this and as you know Appiqué writes whatever shit she feels mostly strongly about, be it worst hashtags or a mouth full of braces.

This topic has nothing to do with anxiety or bullying directly.  It’s mostly to do with how these led me to becoming an insecure person (though I don’t really give away the impression of being one): how I invest all my time and effort in one person and give them all the power to have an effect on me. At every stage of the relatively short life I’ve lived to date, I’ve tried to not but found myself getting dependent on an individual very heavily; I will invest all my energy in him/her till I come to a point of realization that he/she has his/her own life with its own set of priorities; that they cannot always be there to feed my insecurities and apprehensions.

I am writing this because writing lets me understand what I am really and truly feeling on the inside.  I guess one can’t always be there to simmer one’s fire of insecurity  and anxiety, but the one’s that remain and give us constant reassurance without losing hope in us and still loving us as much, Thank You!

I will hopefully get back to writing something borderline decent. I truly want to be apologetic for such a sad post but I am not. Thanks for reading if you did. I would just love you as much if you didn’t. J

-Appiqué <3

Surprise #1

Okay I said surprise so here I go with my first one:

Needless to say this would have been never ending but this is a short but heartfelt testimonial (like the orkut days) for my two BEST friends!

I love you both.

Hope I don’t get killed after this!

Okay I am starting….

Shhhhhhhh…

In a world where everything neeeeeeds to go on social media, where friendship is calibrated in terms of the fancy places people go to or the clothes and brands you wear, I found two people that go beyond the superficial, the fake, the temporary realms of a relation- two people that are literally the spelling of friendship for me!

Let’s deal with them separately and then club them!

Listing according to the chronological order of appearance in my life:

RUCHI MANGLUNIA/ PINTEREST CELEB/ RUCHAN/ RUCHANDAS MANGALDAS LUMIA/ PUCHKANDAS

This female was literally, not kidding, the first person I spoke to in college. We met on the day when college was displaying a list of ranks according to CET scores and people could calculate the probability of them getting in. This extremely nerd chick with a cute mommy was sitting all uptight and quiet and trying to appear all self absorbed. Her mother was so much more accommodating than her. Our mothers got all chatty while discussing our future aspects while leaving a very quiet introvert chick with marks that spoke for her and a hyper anxious nerve wreck to sit and drown in the silence that ensued.

I swear I never ever dreamt of us becoming bffs that day! Till date I must have told you a thousand times that I thought you hated me the day we met. That gives you a clear idea of how low I am on self confidence.

We luckily got into the same college and met a couple of times but our meetings were just very cordial exchange of nods and greetings.

Second semester began and we met again. She was one of the only two acquaintances I had in this new girly class. And we stuck.

As people who think alike and have the same morals, people who will speak up and stand up for what they like or dislike, I found a bestie, a forever wali friend.

She will tell you about the fights we’ve had or just mere arguments- happens when you keep a stubborn Taurean and a hardheaded scorpion in d same room. But we’ve stuck because we know that above all this is how we feel for each other (#ThemFeels #SoEmotionsMuchWow). And she’s cried :D! And I’ve cried: D ok not infront of her but let’s save my waterworks for the future.

She is my crazy arts freak. She is literally the person people run to when in a creative puddle.

She is my elephant ear. She is always there to listen and just be there, whenever I call or cry and ask her to meet.

She is the first person I confide in about everything and anything.

She is my chef and oh boy, is it frustrating because you can’t have food till she decorates :/ and sometimes it’s so pretty that you are literally in a dilemma – to eat and destroy or to die out of starvation

She is a makeup guru, a walk buddy and hugger and so much!

Two of my most memorable times with you:

You remember we went walking before the annual IIM trip in 2014 and I just poured out like a thaili with holes…it was such short notice and there you were outside dominoes. We must have walked for an hour or two but I felt so light after that like a heavy load had been heaved off my brain. These sessions with you whether they are in my colony or yours or our houses or at oberoi are what make me love you so much. We can look like shit and not give a shit about it! What’s important for us is that our friend has been there for us and we need to be there for her.

The second is a recent one- you cried. I’ll tell you why. To me, you are a very strong person and you’ve got it all sorted and organized –your work, your relations, etc. what we fought over was so trivial- trifle if I may :P… but in the end you said, I am so scared of arguments and I thought I’d lose you L… oh babydoll, you can’t lose me! I’m even more persistent than the phlegm one has during bronchitis.

Apart from these, the countless dress-ups, hairdos, just lying on the bed like walruses, the car trips and the auto trips, your tiffin <3 time, movie and sitcom dates :D

And now enough of you, so get out!

KOMAL/ CHOTU CHUBBY CHEEK/ STUD MUFFIN/ KOMA/ IEEE QUEEN

This girl is literally the cutest voice you will hear. Not exaggerating at all…

She is a bulk of optimism mixed with tones of honesty. She has a halo, literally!

I met her in the second semester on the very first day. Just like me, she wasn’t going out of her way to make friends or socialize at the same time she kept an open demeanor for people who would approach her. Her first impression on me was fun and down to earth. And four years down, it remains the same! She is super fun and she is warm, welcoming, accommodating, kind and lovable!

She is like a bowl of hot chicken soup and a soft blanket- she’s love- the purest definition.

Again I am going to say, I never thought we’ll stick but we did. And though I don’t meet her that often, we are always connected because I know this sounds Disney-ish and these are her lines but I agree with them 100%, we always remember to remember each other in our joys and stick around during our lows.

There came a moment when koma shut herself and ruchi was afraid, but I never was/am afraid of losing her, I have this faith that we’ll stick, because I trust her beyond limits. Ruchi is sometimes our middle person because she meets us often and we get a little sad that we don’t find out about each other directly but we’re much beyond that. We know we’ll be there when the time comes. :*

I relate to her more than I relate to Ruchi because some aspects of our personality match- ambiverts, again morals, our tastes, etc

She is my warm woolen blanket- her hugs are like the bed after a massive pillow fight- full of soft cotton!

She is the neatest person when it comes to craft- her straight lines would put any artist to shame

She is the magical secret closet of the best traditional outfits ever!

She is the dose of positivity one needs after loathing in self depreciating thoughts!

The most heartfelt instance with her was her pouring out on phone- it’s when the person who’s always been there for you like a wall like a pillar shows you that they too have their moments, when you get to return their favor of being a shoulder :* of being there.

The other is you being with my mum the entire evening, my mum can’t stop talking about you kom! She’s in love with you :***. I know for a fact that in you, I have found my BFF and that I’m treasuring you for life.

I don’t want people that’ll teach me to look sexy or ones that will propel me to the top of the popular clan, people that’ll show me how to party or booze or “live life”. I just want people who’ll be there, come what may- as a support when I am at my weakest, as a backing agent when I am right but I’ve little courage to go on, as a slapping agent :P when I am wrong! I want love, I want honesty and I want the ability to stick around. These things are for free and they don’t cost people when it comes to giving or receiving. In return I promise to return all these :*

I have so many memories of us, but the ones I’ve mentioned are the best and most treasured!

I love you both. I don’t need to say it but I am just clarifying (for ruchi, esp) you can’t get rid of the super secret gang! 

Once you’re in, you’re in for life.

Mystique-Bad boy image attraction

((Okay old one with some new points.

I really wanted to post something. So this.

Also an apology for disappearing with some cute surprises (seriously?) coming up. So stay tuned.

Shut up already!?!?
Ok here goes ))

Hey girly.
No, don't worry it isn't a post just for women. Guys can sit back and read too. And enjoy as we girls, open up to the world and tell them we are guilty, guilty as hell.
And also watch as I seemingly transform into a hypocrite as I go against my own post titled " Nice Guys ".
Now I say seemingly because I believe and mean every word of what I said in the nice guys post. But sometimes, we also tend to falter and start walking in the wrong direction... But most of us are sensible enough to turn before crossing half the distance in that forbidden lane.

As much as we refuse that we don't do this, there is a point in every nice, decent, sober girl's life where she falls for some guy who isn't nice. Fall could also mean a temporary and very tiny crush, but enough to spark a small fire in the heart.

Girls, you know what I'm talking about. You know those seemingly dark guys. Not complexion, personality. They have something extremely mysterious about them. A deep past or a completely weird secret but something that acts as a magnet and pulls you towards them.

All your life your mum's been telling you," drinking is bad. Smoking is bad. Sex is a sin. Abusive words take you to hell." You might deny but you judge others when they do all this. But suddenly this guy does it and it is okay. You are ready to forget his extra long list of past girlfriends, his encounters with women, those moments you catch him flirting with other women as long as he is ready to commit to you.

For " good" girls , this guy is sort of a reward guinea pig. You take it in your hands to repair him, only if you knew better.
One, you fall for a person, you fall for what they have to offer. Then you can't go about thinking that you'd change them. That's wrong. Probably one or two wrong habits, but depends on your and the world's definition of wrong. Two... If only you knew he likes looking broken and he is not. And even if this possibility is doing rounds in your head, you still dive in, with everything you have worth offering.

Now some guys are genuinely dark but nice on the inside. But most of these live in novels.

There are so many "bad" boys that try to incorporate the "bad" boy image just to become a chick magnet. Now these are guys that seem stand-off-ish and dark to the world but say nice things to you often, offer to carry your books around if you are hurt, help you out at times and do a lot of sugar talking. A lot. A hell lot. Everyone warns you to keep safe distance from this guy and before you know it,  you may deny all you want... But you fall for him and all his cheesy-ness. Those cheeky pick-up lines start pushing your heart to do a somersault and you come to a point where you can absolutely not stop talking to him. He becomes your daily cuppa coffee, you need that Gm and Gn. And he'll go to heights to tell you how much of efforts he is putting into the "secret" relation of yours. Secret as he keeps expressing his love unabashedly and you deny to save face.

And then you crash as you see him with someone else... A cousin/an ex/ a gf/ a just-a-friend/ an acquaintance and they are just communicating with too much of physical contact with faces barely allowing an atom of oxygen to pass by.
He refuses to acknowledge you in front of his friends, infront of the chick you caught him with. He calls you "just a friend" to cover.

You denied all you could and now you break. Shatter into tiny pieces. Like a glass vase. And you can't tell anybody because you denied it all. People will be bad at sympathizing. Infact most of it would sound like," Ha, I told you so. He's a Casanova."
And nobody wants to hear that when they are about to breakdown.

Identification tip: A bad boy is an "asshole" not a "douche" in today's terminology. He is rude to some,  he comes off as standoff-ish or arrogant not downright wannabeish or annoying. If he's annoying he is not your "bad" boy.  If his messages make you go "Ugh it's you, again.. Why don't you take a hint and buzz off" instead of "Omg why is he messaging :-o *hyperventilating*" followed by a skip in the heartbeat.. Then he isn't your bad boy.

Bad boy attraction isn't wrong. But all you need to do is be careful. Sometimes they take you to a stage where it is beyond repair. Sometimes you find out before anything really develops. It's how good you are at holding yourself,  at being uptight. If you cling to any kind of support you get like a desperate person, then Lord save you!

These guys are the reasons why nice guys start believing that you need to be a jerk to get a girl. But trust me, if she's sensible, she's going to come straight to you after coming back to her senses, which is a good thing because now that she knows, her choice will be someone who's more permanent, someone that actually seems to have a heart and blood flowing through his veins rather than a venomous leech that would not only suck the life out of you but also leave you bitter and sore enough to not trust anyone, build a cage that only nice guys would not fear tearing down.  All the shallowness would be gone.

The overall If i knew how and what it was then I wouldn't be jealous teaches you a lot about yourself, but at the cost of an ensuing depressing period .

Nice guys will be nice guys. You can't replace them. And you absolutely can not "not love" them.