I want to apologize for not having posted since a really long time (which did not affect anyone, just getting it out of the system).
The thing is that I've been wanting to write since a year but I can't. I won't call it a writer's block because I am not a writer. I am also not short of content since my writer app tells a different tale. It is filled with more than 20 unfinished posts just lying there waiting to be completed. It's just that the urge, within me, to complete an article has sort of died.
If I haven't mentioned before, I got into severe depression almost a year ago. The harsh reality of my dreams struck me and let me incapacitated to the point of not being able to function. In the sense that, I would cry almost every minute for every little thing I'd notice or feel and it got to a point where I needed to seek help. I sought professional relief and though it didn't do much but just being able to get things out of my mind, slowly, enabled me to come to point where the crying reduced.
I feel pretty vulnerable right now putting up something that's so private but it's what I feel so strongly about at this very hour, this very minute and hence the words are flowing without any creative hindrance.
I was lucky enough to come back home for summer and bury my head, my fears and qualms in the protective and assuring hugs of my family.
My mind looks at my past dreamland like it's the kingdom of doom and darkness and manages to produce phobia and panic at just the mention of the fact that in a few days, my three month long escapade would come to an end and life would slap me hard with the bitter truth that I am not strong enough to face, for now (maybe forever).
I want to cry while I yell my lungs out and beg to not go away. I don't want to leave the familiarity that I've grown in since the time I started comprehending things. I don't want to make solitude my best friend again. I don't want to cry to the point of exhaustion, to the point where my family's pity turns into vexation.
I am reading a novel where the protagonist leaves to go to college and has a lot of internal conflicts going on. I didn't know the story would develop in such a relatable way as the description was pretty concise and evasive. However with each passing chapter, I notice the protagonist trying to follow the principles of mindfulness, of fully being in the moment and living it completely even though her head is clouded with several tangential issues.
That's the thing about preparing to go away. You start becoming aware of each of the little things that you once took for granted, that didn't matter to you, but were, in reality, a privilege. And with that realization, you want to immerse yourself fully into the moment and try to live it completely. But you can't because your mind and heart keep pulling you off in different directions, taking you away from the moment and pushing you into the unchangeable past or unforeseeable future.
And with that self authored quote, I end this rather confusing post.
- Appiqué <3
