Hello. A curt greeting because I'm running extra low on patience today. My bandwidth was just exhausted by what I'd like to define as an abominable excuse for art. And as you guessed it right, THAT movie is what this blog post is going to be about. Let's just jump right in, shall we (with no time to process/rethink)? The director of the subject (movie) definitely would agree with my approach as is evident from his story telling (I'll explain more as we go).
The pandemic has been hard on all. Even if you've been blessed with privileges and didn't really experience the worst (or did), it affected everyone. No exceptions. We were all affected in some way, shape, or form - Physically, mentally, emotionally. And we're just going to stray away from bringing up the need to be productive and relevant during a time that demanded mere survival from all of us, nothing more, nothing less. Just existence. Even so, even with the ridiculousness of the situation at hand and the whirlwind of scenes that we lived through, this movie Sooryavanshi (yes ladies and gents, revealing the subject of this post) just does not make any sense. And no, I don't mean logic, physics, writing, character development, plot kidhar hai? No, none of those things that you generally want out of a movie or show. Because that's not why you watch a Rohit Shetty movie. When you sign up (willingly or unwillingly because your loved ones are masochists) for a Rohit Shetty Cinematic (holds up barf) Universe a.k.a RSCU movie (queue eyeroll), you also sign an invisible contract that asks you to forget your brain at home (whatever that means, metaphorically) and you're there for "grandiose", "action", "larger than life" depictions, "entertainment" - none of which are descriptions I will use for the said movie (RSCU fans 🤮 will disagree but do you think I care?). But that's not why this movie makes no sense. It is mind-bogglingly bewildering because it is 2021 and Cinema is not a one man show. So the fact that THIS got past the several hundreds that worked on it and ended up in theaters (it got published for real, yo) is beyond me. I just cannot. I have just witnessed a shocking low (a disturbing new level) for Bollywood movies. This is coming from so(ME)one who has patiently watched movies like prem agan, Xposé (with the accent please), jaani dushman, and the likes of these - which are so bad that they're goood, so you know - that means something.
But this, what is this lousy excuse of a videographic. What do you call this bullshit (pardon my language, I meant to say absolute crass ass crap)?
So to start clean - I just FINISHED watching (I know right? New avatar unlocked - what is this renewed K we're witnessing, finishes movies and writes blogs, what's next running for president elections?) Sooryavanshi. And as an audience member who painstakingly sat through the whole film (including end credits) and pays for streaming services, TV, and electricity, I have the right to express my thoughts about this piece of garbage. I do. I've earned it, watch me.
So RS is known for franchises (fair) and wants to show heroes exist in normal / non supernatural forms (also fair), but still add his dramatic action-filled story telling flair (fair fair fair). But yo, tell a/any story then. Just have a story. Why do I feel like I watched an extended PowerPoint presentation? Even my school that had a similar theme for annual tableaus and plays about patriotism had more meat than this. Actually, that's not fair. Those tableuas were great. This is... I don't even know what this is.
This movie was intended to introduce Superhero 3 - Sooryavanshi. But you don't have to remember this or the name of the movie, because RS makes sure you walk out w it as he blasts SOOOOOORYAVANSHI (a sound effect very reminiscent of burps from an Indian uncle after a heavy dinner) every 2 secs and it's a 90+ min movie. So you do the math. If you have migraine, consider yourself warned. Also, while we're on the topic of memory, don't bother remembering anyone's names or story because you're reminded of it every time they reintroduce that character. It's like reverse-pokemon, he or the samnewala has to say this person's name out loud and some piece of backstory EVERY TIME they're reintroduced. No exceptions.
Exhibit a - Scene A begins with the introduction of Veer SOORYAVANSHI showing a quick backstory of how his parents died in a bomb blast. Cut to next scene of policemen talking about blasts where he reiterates how his parents were killed in a blast. Three scenes later he narrates how his parents were killed in a blast to a terrorist, and so on..
Also, everyone has to have a backstory - even the sidest of side characters, and atleast narrate it twice.
Exhibit b - wife of a hawaldar whose only intent in the movie is to coax the superhero and his wife to get back together. She's introduced solely so she can guilt trip people by saying things like "why you breakup, get back no please, marriage is amazeballs". Even when her husband dies suddenly in a blast (if you're alarmed by the number of times I've said blast, you've definitely never watched a RSCU movie before where things just explode for no effing reason whatsoever) and they hold a funeral for him, instead of mourning for him or remembering him or just even focusing on him, she goes on to guilt trip the wife into returning back to Married state. The superhero's wife was just shown sitting, she didn't even go to console the widow or anything and gets schooled for no evident reason. Reminds me of:
There's an almost plot (almost because they tried coming up with the idea and gave up when it was 25% baked in their head, then used this gooey shit to make their whole movie) and no parallel lines or things you need to keep track of. Every scene will begin with a ppt of pictures explaining background and end with an action item, cut to next scene - action item executed. If this movie was on a chart, it'd be a straight effing line that just went on for longer than it's supposed to because it just has one point...(so technically it shouldn't even be a line). Also while we're at it, did we forget to grow up or are we still at an age when using homonyms in place of someone's name is actually still funny (Kide instead of Bhide, Prabhas for Abbas, etc). And if it is, you introduce a joke, crack and leave. What's with the extended cut explaining the joke? Even 5 year olds with limited cognition and vocabulary would sigh from boredom at this point!
If we forget the mediocre acting, non existent writing (character development is a concept unheard of in this universe, so let's not even go there) and lack of logic in scenes (e.g. where the hero is picking a man much bigger and heavier than himself using one hand while being suspended out of a helicopter, where he clears off an area with bomb threat only to drive the car with off the cleared area into a factory, where he has "intel" on some driver but no intel on the suspects whose pictures, addresses, everything the police has at its disposition, I could go on and on) ... even if we forget it all and only focus on what RSCU is known for, action shots and 💥 💥 cinematography (sad truth, but this is marketed as their USP), I'd like you to draw me a map of where this is seen in the movie. Like where is the action work bro? Work on your fight scenes and I don't mean make a 5 min story 90 mins long by just adding fight scenes but actually weave them into the narrative. Give it a purpose. The 30 min end crescendo scene is exactly 30 mins longer than it should be. If I'm to describe the action shots in this scene, I'd say Lackluster, drab, repetitive, filled with unnecessary sexual innuendos that are misplaced, and off timed.
You've seen it all before and you've seen better ones where the scenes made sense. Now, watching it after the pandemic, after they made such a hullabaloo out of waiting until theatres open to show this crap and especially when you're more aware of your time and how you want to spend it, it baffles me people still go out and put their lives at risk to watch this shit.
There's no novelty in the movie, nothing that you'd need to click a button on Netflix for to watch, forget going to theaters for and paying Rs.100+. Even the songs are bad remasters of everything that was relevant eons ago. It's all so drab even the lead actress looks bored portraying her role and rightfully so.
Also let's get one thing straight. I'm hating on how poor the execution of it all is. Not the craft (i.e., cinema), not the inspiration that this is supposed to be based on, not the sentiment or intent that it was supposed to depict. So do not come at me and make this unnecessarily biased for no reason.
In closing I'd like to say, if you're craving an action movie that has similar sentiments, watch Khakee instead. Or rewatch Singham, Crime Patrol, or even CID, but for the love of oneself, do not fudging watch this Garbage. There's no reason your mind and internet trace should be exposed to such mediocrity.
