Depression

It hit me out of nowhere in 2015. 

I wish I could add in a simile to explain its unpredictable nature. I wish saying," it hits you like a ramming vehicle in the blindspot of your car's mirrors" or "its hit you like a thunderbolt" could capture the abruptness and the gravitas of the matter. But it doesn't.

Just like being diagnosed with it doesn't capture its essence from an outside perspective. They'll say you should have seen it coming, the move/the break-up/ the change of work/city/environment/fields/months/days/minutes/seconds should have been a blatant indicator. At the risk of sounding just too dense, it's not.

They'll say you have it better than him/her/it/them. They'll say it's temporary. With each passing breathe escaping their vocals, they will make it so diminutive and guilt you into feeling miserable, for being ungrateful for your existence, lifestyle, materials and stature and privilege. 

They'll provide hollow unsolicited advice like "feel better" , "be happy" , "don't be sad", "don't be a loser/ wuss", " mingle/ excercise/eat/ breathe/sleep more", "take a vacation" and condition you into believing that what you suffer from is nothing but a made up story, a first-world-problem, if you will.

And just like that, they'll abandon you "She's too weird man, always weeping", "he acting pricey and not responding to my texts/calls", "how long is she going to be a partypooper?", " I've tried, he doesn't want to be helped, so to hell with him!"

Wrapped in sheen, shine and monochrome and packaged with a label of self-care, they will market things to soak your hair, skin, fingers and toes in blatantly displaying that 

your crisis is stemming from your physical flaws.

In the end, it'll be as it was before. You. Alone. Solitary. Until you see that the key lies in you. That only you can turn "you against you" to " you for yourself". Whether you have a companion, a drug, a help, or a device...in the end, your war is against yourself and you're your only teammate.

And in the aftermath, there will be no victory calls, no celebrations. There will be no medals and scars to show, no numbers to gloat off of. But there will be a victor, a survivor, a story to tell, a lesson to share. A story that will perhaps help those in the same darkness that once engulfed you. A story that will make u feel that every new battle you face is easier to take on after this feat. So fight it with all your heart, with all your might. Because no one else can or will fight this for you.